Mortal Saloon Brawl
by fordman777
Summary: The Kombatants go on vacation in a small town in Montana and in up in a legendary Saloon fight


Mortal Saloon Brawl

Thompson, Montana, USA, Earthrealm

A description of what the kombatants in this brawl were doing is necessary to understand how things were going to unfold. Sub-Zero was sitting by himself at the bar, sipping a beer and waiting on his date, Frost (who was late). Scorpion was watching the stage where his date, Mileena, was already severely intoxicated and dancing around the stripper pole on the stage. Her "father", Shao Kahn, was watching this routine with twisted pleasure, whilst Shang Tsung was sitting by himself in the corner, nursing a pina colada. Goro was sitting at a table with Noob Saibot, watching an American Football game on T.V. and drinking beer, Raiden, who, was already three sheets into the wind, was at the Faro table, cussing at his luck. Liu Kang and Kitana were on a double date with Jade and her new boy-toy, Nightwolf. Erron Black had been set up on a blind date with Cassie Cage, and, miraculously, they were actually enjoying their night together. Quan Chi and Sareena were also out together, and Bo ' Rai Cho was leaning against the bar in a stupor, for, he had been drinking since he had woke up at about 5:00 that morning, and, Indeed, was still nursing a shot of moonshine.

Scorpion, in his tequila induced haze, decided to taunt his rival, Sub-Zero, about having been apparently stood up by his date. "Ha ha, you womanless wanker!" roared Scorpion "You've been stood up by a woman you revived yourself! You must be so embarrassed!". Sub-Zero then pulled his mask back up, took his empty beer bottle, and hurled it at Scorpion as hard as he could.

The Bartender, recognizing the potential danger in the situation, discreetly reached for the AR-15 he kept behind the bar in case of trouble, but, he stayed his hand, and instead pulled out his phone and turned on the video camera, "Dis gon be good!" he chuckled to himself.

Scorpion, meanwhile, ducked right before the bottle hit him, and, the bottle instead hit Sareena right in the face, knocking her senseless, and taking her out of the fight. Quan Chi somehow thought that Erron Black had thrown the bottle, so, in retaliation, he busted a chair over Cassie Cage's head, taking her out of the fight. Erron Black, furious, instinctively reached for his revolver, but, groped the empty holster instead. "You stupid cowpuncher!" said Quan Chi "They took our weapons when we came in here Mwahahah" he laughed. Black picked a spitoon up off the floor and slung it's contents into Quan Chi's face "AAAAA My Eyes!" he cried, and while still blinded by the burn of the tobacco juice in his eyes, Erron hit him in the head with the heavy brass spittoon , which made a TOOWWWWWOOOWWWWOOWWWW sound as though he had been hit in the head with a tuning fork. This put Quan Chi's lights out, and took him out of the fight.

Mileena, meanwhile, saw her opportunity and stopped dancing, then dived off the stage at her clone sister/archrival Kitana, who simply sidestepped sending Mileena out of the swinging doors and into a handicapped parking sign in the parking lot. "You Traitorous Slut!, I'll teach you!" roared Shao Kahn, and he dove after Kitana, but, was instead hit by flying bicycle kicks from Liu Kang. "Not on my watch" and the two started swinging at each other, until Liu Kang hit Shao Kahn with a punch that sent him flying through the brown clapboard wall and into the kitchen. Shao Kahn then started throwing kitchen knives at Liu Kang, who deflected every one of them with his metal armbands, and sending them harmlessly into the dart board. Kang then hit Shao Kahn with a dragon fireball that sent him right into the uninsulated, wood burning grill on which steaks were cooking. "Finish Him!" Roared the announcer. Even though Liu Kang knew he technically wasn't in kombat, he had to to what he had to do. He tore off Shao Kahn's helmet, and then repeatedly rammed his head into the hot walls of the grill, first, it simply melted Shao Kahn's face, the, with one last mighty blow, Shao Kahn's skull was shattered, and his brains went flying everywhere. "Liu Kang Wins! Fatality!" Roared the announcer, and Liu Kang joined his friends in the battle that was growing in the bar.

Whilst this was going on, Goro stood up, overturning the table he and Noob were sitting at, and Grabbed for Liu Kang, but, Instead was met by the fists of Nightwolf, Jade, and Kitana, Even though outnumbered three to one, Goro was in no real danger, by that time, Raiden realized what was going on, and dived for Goro, overturning the Faro table, but met Noob instead, and the two of them started fighting, but, then Liu Kang joined his friends against Goro.

It was about this time that Mileena came too, and, seeing her opportunity, she tore off her veil, jumped on Liu Kang's back, and started gnawing on his neck, but, not before Kitana noticed

"Hey, that's my boyfriend, B****" She shouted, then, Mileena dropped Liu Kang like a sack of potatoes, He was out of the fight, but, not dead. Mileena stood up, and wiped Liu Kang's blood on her cheeks like war paint, "And what are you going to do about it, Princess Slutbunny?" Mileena started laughing but, then, suddenly Kitana hit her with an RKO out of friggin' nowhere

"Finish Her!" roared the Announcer, and Kitana stepped back and started to throw a kick, she was literally going to kick Mileena's head off, but, she stopped herself just before the blow connected. "Wait" she thought "I'm not technically in kombat, if I kill her, I'll go down for it…..again" Kitana then walked over to a table, picked up an ashtray, dumped it's contents down Mileena's pants, and then hit her in the back of the head with the thick glass ashtray, knocking her cold, and taking her out of the fight. "Kitana Wins! Flawless Victory!" roared the announcer.

Erron Black had by this time come to like the Idea of being a "good guy" instead of a "bad guy" so, when he saw Kitana break away to fight Mileena, he joined Jade and Nightwolf in her place, but, Nightwolf still didn't believe his eyes, he started swinging at Erron Black but, black just kept deflecting his blows "Hey Einstein, I'm on your side!" he told Nightwolf "Yea, sure" said Nightwolf. He then hit Black with a jumping spin kick that sent him clean through the brown clapboard walls and into the men's restroom, Nightwolf then started banging Black's head against the toilet bowl, and when he heard "Finish Him!" he plunged Black's head into the toilet bowl and gave him the mother of all swirlees, then threw him against the wall, "Why I oughta…." started Black but, then, the condom dispenser fell off the wall and onto Blacks head, taking him out of the fight, but, not killing him. "Nightwolf Wins!" said the Announcer.

As Nightwolf returned to the bar, he noticed Shang Tsung, who had, heretofore simply been a bystander, pick up a broken whiskey bottle and start for Jade. Nightwolf knew he couldn't let that happen, so, he picked up a billiard cue and proceeded to break it over Shang Tsung's nether regions. Shang let out a yell that would curl your hair, but, before he could react, Nightwolf picked Shang up by his shirt collar and the seat of his pants, and hurled him head first into the jukebox, destroying it in the process. At "Finish Him!", Nightwolf grabbed Shang by the ear, twisted it, and began dragging him to the kitchen, by the time they were in the kitchen,  
Shang was starting to come to, so, Nightwolf broke a wooden spoon over his head, and then dented a frying pan over same. He then proceeded to stuff his royal shortness into an almost full trash can , then stapled the lid on with a staple gun that the kitchen staff had been using for some reason. Nightwolf then took the trash can out to the bar, then, hurled it through the swinging doors and into a dumpster in the opposite ally. "Nightwolf Wins! Flawless Victory!"

By this time, Frost had finally arrived, and, having been emboldened by the sight of her man fighting Scorpion in the parking lot, went up to the bar, and ordered a bottle of champagne. She cooled it with her cryomancer powers, then decided to pop the cork to taste test it, when she did, the cork made a beeline for Noob Saibot's crotch and when it hit, he let out a loud whimper like a cat that had just had it's tail stepped on, tears welled up in his eyes and he curled up into a ball on the floor and started puking. He was out of the fight. "Frost Wins! Brutality!" Frost took the champagne out to her man, who would surely win.

By now, Nightwolf was getting pretty annoyed with Bo'Rai Cho, who had just been leaning against the bar in a stupor. Nightwolf grabbed Bo'Rai Cho by his ankles and lifted him above his head like a weapon. "Woah! What….hic...Are you Doing?!" asked Bo'Rai Cho. "I'll tell you what I'm doing!" said Nightwolf, "I'm gonna beat a Mother****** with another Mother******!" and he proceeded to beat Goro senseless with Bo'Rai Cho

Since Noob had lost most of his ability to sire children and was out of the fight for that reason, Raiden then teamed up with Jade, Kitana, Nightwolf, and Bo'Rai Cho, who were now fighting Goro five on one, but, Goro was still going strong, Raiden had an idea. Goro was right under the chandelier that was made of an old wagon wheel, and was therefore quite heavy, Raiden flew up and managed to work the chandelier loose from the ceiling, it fell on Goro with a tremendous, banging CRASH and he staggered, "Is that all…." but, then, Jade punched him in the kidneys as hard as she could. "Jade Wins!" and then Goro finally fell.

As you may know, Scorpion and Sub-Zero were by now brawling in the parking lot, but, allow me to tell you how it got to that point. After Sub-Zero threw the bottle at Scorpion, he ducked, then, grabbed his empty tequila bottle, and smashed it on the floor, "I'll bleed you like a stuck pig!" shouted Scorpion, and he tackled Sub-Zero and the two started rolling around on the floor. Scorpion eventually got the upper hand and pinned Sub- Zero to the top of the bar. He raised the broken bottle high, but, using his cryomancer powers, Sub-Zero shot an ice ball at the broken bottle, Scorpion dropped it and it shattered, then, Sub-Zero did sort of a modified roll throw that sent Scorpion back-first into the big mirror behind the bar. Scorpion was angry then. The two started exchanging punches and kicks, until Scorpion blurted out "Hey, Frost is here!" Sub-Zero looked away, then, Scorpion hit him with a roundhouse kick that sent him crashing through the picture window in the front of the saloon. Sub-Zero landed on the roof of a small car, which caved in and set the car alarm blaring, The two kept swarping on each other until Sub-Zero noticed Frost sitting on the porch of the saloon drinking champagne out of the bottle. "Now I can kill you in front of your woman! Hahahahahaha!" said Scorpion. He reached into his pants and pulled out his spear. "Hey, no weapons you cheapskate!" yelled Sub- Zero. "If those stupid bouncers had done a body cavity search, maybe not!" retorted Scorpion. "Get Over Here!" he shouted, but, Sub-Zero had scrapped with Scorpion enough times to know to duck when he heard those words, and, Scorpion's spear instead took out the tail light of an expensive sports car, then, they heard a shot.

The local Sheriff and a few of his deputies, supported by Sonya Blade and Striker, had arrived.

Scorpion looked at the busted tail light, then, looked the sheriff dead in the eye, pointed at Sub-Zero and said "He did it!" The Sheriff took no notice. He pulled a cigar tin out of his back pocket, and took a cigar from it and stuck this in Scorpion's eye to light it. "Well, what do we have here ladies and gentlemen?" The Sheriff asked in a soft, oily voice. "Let's go look at the carnage…."

In the end, the Sheriff ruled Liu Kang's killing of Shao Kahn as having been justified, and no charges were filed, other than Scorpion's being ticketed for breaking the Sheriff's Son-in-Laws tail light.

About this time, Cassie Cage was starting to come too. "Awwww…..what happened?" she muttered in a pained voice. Her mother, Sonya Blade, was furious. She grabbed Cassy by the ear, twisted it, and lead her out. "AAAAA, what did I do, Maw?!" she yelled "This is the last time I let your sperm donor...I mean father, set you up on a blind date" muttered Ms. Blade


End file.
